I no longer have a bottom lip – I’ve chewed it off

That's right, I no longer have a bottom lip - I've chewed it off, shared it with the dog, grappled to get it back, re-affixed it, chomped down on it again...and so it goes on.

You may well be suffering the same disfigurement if you’ve been following the heated debate around Traditional Publishing v  Self-publishing or Legacy contracts v Agency contracts (personally, I’d settle for a contract whatever its name).

Hell, from what I recently read, those established ‘mid-listers’ (I’d give my upper lip to be one of them) could be under threat too. Some blame Amazon, a lot blame the ‘Big 6’ (a scary bunch who you really do not want to piss off).

Frankly I blame GMC and those MRUs played their part too. (Premise, Concept and Theme stayed on the side lines, Scenes arrived late and High-Concept was kept back in English class and so missed the Conflict).

Lost yet? That’s my point. Writing introduces you not just to a whole new vocabulary but a whole new world of war and you’ve got to flog the blogs to make sure you stay on top of things.

Or is it a ruse to keep upstart Newbies out? Who knows? Who cares?

Best advice I can give – don’t take sides, smile at absolutely everyone and never confess to not knowing what the hell is going on (because you are in fine company).

Want to know how to recognise a newbie writer? No bottom lip, that’s the dead giveaway…oh, and the overuse of brackets as demonstrated in this post.

And to think I just wanted to write…

Have Her Eat a Soulful-Eyed Abandoned Puppy

Sweet heroine, modestly decked out in frilly doilies with a Pollyanna smile and nought but pure thoughts – hate them, they make me want to barf!

Altruistic acts of kindness are great (and more convincing) if random. I am never going to believe in a heroine (its usually a heroine and sadly there are a good few about in romantic fiction) who spends every night cooking apple pie for the elderly whilst abandoned three-legged puppies, shaved kittens and adoring orphans play at her sensibly shoed feet, and the homeless make free in her neat studio apartment.  

Saccharine only works for me if used as a weapon, more usually against fat, but acceptable when combined with sarcasm to score a point against an opponent.  In fact, ‘nice and sugary’ offends me. It’s a cheap and lazy way to attempt character ‘likeability’ – sorry but I’m not that gullible.

If the heroine must work for/help out at a charity, at least show her fighting for a cause or deep rooted belief. If she is one of the sainted, how about ramping it up a notch by having her eat one of those puppies or at the very least accidentally food poisoning the hungry (no one has to die) or getting rat-arsed on the communion wine. I don’t mind paragons of virtue if they are being set up for a fall of monumental proportions but please, please protect me from the asininely good.

Have a pet hate specific to the romantic genre? – do share…I’m going too when one next hits me over the head or has me reaching for the bucket.

I once fired a Musket

I once fired a musket and 25 years later my ears are still ringing. Hence I hate guns (and anything else that bangs out of tune) and know very little about them.  Which brings me to the point of this post – Research using the internet and who is watching who.

Over the past few months I’ve typed in:

Assault rifles, automatic pistols, the Taliban, terrorist organisations, oh, and AID (artificial insemination by donor). Luxury yachts were in there too and ‘who wrote the hit ‘Cold as Ice’, (Foreigner if you’re interested).  Each search has led me to some fairly interesting websites but my question is: Have I been ‘red-flagged’ and if so by whom?

No doubt I’ll get an answer one day when I get a knock on the door.

Have you ever researched anything that has caused you considerable disquiet (because we are all paranoid to a degree)?

The What and the Warnings

I flit around in cyber space prospecting for hints, tips, comments and advice on all things pertinent to one day landing a publishing contract.  Should you decide to follow or occasionally just drop by this blog, you should know what you are getting into, hence:

My Aims

1.       To share what I find helpful

2.       To share what I find amusing (you don’t have to laugh)

3.       To share what I find provocative (you don’t have to care)

Caveats

4.       I try not to sweat the little things (too much) like spelling, grammar, punctuation, split infinitives etc.  because sometimes I will get it wrong.

5.       I’m not going to open a vein every time I inadvertently cause offence. It’s not deliberate and I apologise in advance.

6.       I’m not good on the defence (see 4 and 5 above). I will try harder.

7.       I will avoid ranting (except when compelled to do so)

8.       I will try  not to get sued!!!